Bill Burr Figured Out the Afterlife

BILL BURR: Is this real or is this your new brand?

RON BENNINGTON: It's a bit.

BILL BURR: It is?

RON BENNINGTON: Yeah.

BILL BURR: Are you going to be like the white Jesse Smollett and then just tell everybody?

RON BENNINGTON: It would be the smartest thing ever. Nobody would say it coming.

BILL BURR:He went after the sympathy dollar.

RON BENNINGTON: It's really a smart move because it is weird because everybody will... It's like Chris DiStefano said. First people came in because they were concerned and then DiStefano just said, "Hey, this is the hot show. I want it to be here for this one." And I'm like, "That's my best compliment so far."

RON BENNINGTON: Numbers are up. Numbers are up. Who knew? Who knew? All you got to do is get a little sick and all of a sudden everybody's there for you.

INTRO SONG

ANNOUNCER: Portcast is recorded during Ron Bennington's cancer treatment. Abrupt cuts or visual changes may be necessary to protect the privacy of patients and staff. And now Portcast with Ron Bennington.

BILL BURR:  Zoom call. I couldn't get off the thing.

RON BENNINGTON: You couldn't get off of Zoom?

BILL BURR:  I couldn't get off the Zoom call and then I shut my phone off and then I turned it back on and the Zoom call was still going.

RON BENNINGTON: Still going on.

BILL BURR:  No, I had to delete the app. It was just…Like I really got all paranoid.

RON BENNINGTON: Who was it? Sorkin?

BILL BURR:  Just trying to figure out how to open this thing.  No, it was something that had to do with that movie. It was some interview thing and I was having problems signing on. So then I was in an SUV, so we signed onto the wifi and I couldn't get off. I was thinking something took over my phone.

RON BENNINGTON: After all the crazy stuff you've done in your life, this Sorkin thing has to be one of the most unexpected though, right?

 BILL BURR:  Yeah. This is pretty unexpected. What's going on here? Is this real or is this your new brand?

RON BENNINGTON: It's a bit.

BILL BURR:  It is?

RON BENNINGTON: Yeah.

BILL BURR:  Are you going to be like the white Jesse Smollett and then just tell everybody?

RON BENNINGTON: It would be the smartest thing ever. Nobody would say it coming.

BILL BURR:  He went after the sympathy dollar.

RON BENNINGTON: It's really a smart move because it is weird because everybody will... It's like Chris DiStefano said. First people came in because they were concerned and then DiStefano just said, "Hey, this is the hot show. I want it to be here for this one." And I'm like, "That's my best compliment so far."

BILL BURR:  Numbers are up. Numbers Are up. Who knew? Who knew? All you got To do is get a little sick and all of a sudden everybody's there for you.

RON BENNINGTON: My numbers are up as my numbers go down. That's the beauty of it.

BILL BURR:  White cell count goes up.  As does the listeners. All right.

RON BENNINGTON: So here's the... Yeah, this is a strange thing, but I'm sure you've been around this situation before in your life, right?

BILL BURR:  I am of this age, sure.

RON BENNINGTON: Yes. Yeah. Everybody's waiting for whatever it's going to be, their thing's going to be. So as soon as I got mine, there's this feeling of relief. You're like, "Oh, this is the thing." You know what I mean?

BILL BURR:  Oh yeah. No, I mean, you sound great. Still got more hair than me, you bastard.

RON BENNINGTON: Well, barely. I'm wearing the hat because I'm from the 70s, you know what I mean? But I should just let it go. I should just let it go.

BILL BURR:  It is liberating. I can tell you that.

RON BENNINGTON: I know. I know I can feel it, but I just... Aerosmith had too much of a fucking effect on me.

BILL BURR:  I get it.

 RON BENNINGTON: But to add that thing, I was so surprised when they told me this is the deal. I was like, "All right, good. It's good to hear. I've had a great life. How much time?" It becomes your last problem, like nothing else bothers you other than this one thing. Yeah. You're like, "I can get out of anything I want now. I don't have to go to weddings anymore."

 BILL BURR:  I can say, having watched the news and it's like October 5th and it's 94 degrees in LA, I do think of some of my friends that passed away and I just think… when they left, when they died, there were still four seasons.

RON BENNINGTON: Right. I tried to say last plane out. This is what I've done. I've held on to the last possible moment. Now I'm leaving Hanoi.

BILL BURR:  I think you’re gonna beat it.

RON BENNINGTON: You think I'll beat it?

 BILL BURR:  My medical background?

RON BENNINGTON: Yeah.

BILL BURR:  Just looking at you?

RON BENNINGTON: Yeah.

BILL BURR:  Yeah. Man, I didn’t know what I was going to walk in here to.

RON BENNINGTON: A lot of people worry that…. one of the things is steroids keeps my weight on. So when they added that –

BILL BURR:  You fucking cheater.

RON BENNINGTON: Yeah, I know. It's the exact opposite of Ozempic.

BILL BURR:  Those last interviews don't count. These are your Androstines. Do we let Ron in the hall? He had hall of fame numbers before the steroids, but I don't know, man. Some of the most touching interviews were at the end, and I think that pushed him over with the writers.

RON BENNINGTON: That's so funny. God, those guys will never be forgiven, will they? The steroid guys.

BILL BURR:  Well, what about Pete Rose? They never forgave him and it's like now all of a sudden they're all in on gambling. All of Baseball is. So it's like, well, maybe he was just ahead of his time.

RON BENNINGTON: He really was ahead of his time in every single way, but they'll never –

BILL BURR:  He was his own worst enemy. I think if he could have just... He couldn't shut it off, so he was still competitive. When he finally admitted after all those years of saying that he didn't bet on baseball, this was his statement was like, "All right, I bet on baseball. Now let me in the hall." It's like you needed more of a pause. And I think from the very beginning, if he just said, "Yeah, I messed up. I feel bad. I know I let a bunch of people down. Nobody's bigger than baseball. I'm ashamed of myself." If he just did that, but not being able to do that was what made him –

RON BENNINGTON: Pete Rose. Yes. Yeah. He was the Pete of all Pete Roses. I had the chance to meet him too. And it's really weird because you know I've done a million interviews, but it's always the people that you loved when you were a kid that you can't get over. Yeah. Because I remember when Dr. J walked in, I was just like, "Fuck, should I even be in here?"

BILL BURR:  I saw him one time I was too... He was signing, he was taking photos and I was like, "I can't. I can't. It's too big."

RON BENNINGTON: I know.

BILL BURR:  I met Pete Rose when he used to do the signings at that mall in between Caesars and the Mirage or whatever with the clouds up top. And he went in and there was two pictures of him sliding into third base with his helmet. His helmet would always come off right before he rounded second. And the first one was in 1975 against my Red Sox, and the second one was in 76 against the Yankees. So he didn't know I was a Red Sox fan. So I said, "Okay, can you write on the first one, Bill, I'm sorry." Because I was against the Red Sox. And dude, he lit up and he looked at me, he goes, "I'm not." I go, "It's going to make sense. It's going to make sense." Then when he slid in against the Yankees, it was, "Bill, you're welcome." I said, "I'm a Red Sox fan. So as much as you beat us, I did enjoy that you beat the Yankees." And he was like, "Swept their asses."

He just remembered.

RON BENNINGTON: Never forgets any pitch.

BILL BURR:  Yeah, no, remembered. That was my favorite thing about that documentary. When they talked, the guy goes, "When was the first time you bet on baseball?" And he just looked at him and he goes, "Man, you must think I'm a fucking genius or something. How the fuck did I remember all the way back then? Jesus fucking Christ, that's like 42 years ago." And then two seconds later he goes, "It was 1967. The count was two and one. He just threw a chains up." And it was just like he remembered.

RON BENNINGTON: Yeah, everything.

BILL BURR:  He remembered everything. His mind was like a steel trap. Yeah.

RON BENNINGTON: No, he came in the Phils, I think like 77, 78.

BILL BURR:   1980 he came in.

RON BENNINGTON: 1980 is when they won it, but I think he was there a year or two before. I was like, "The whole team got better when you came in."

BILL BURR:   Because he bounced the ball.

RON BENNINGTON: Yeah, he bounced the fucking ball and he's like, "Come on, Boa. You just can't field. Hey, Schmidty, come on. Act like a man."

BILL BURR:   Manny Trillo

RON BENNINGTON: Yeah, Manny Trillo. Yeah. Replaced Dave Cash. That was a highlight for me and I felt like I've owed Pete the whole time. So if I ever get him the chance to get into the hall, I'll do it for him. If I got to take out a writer or two, I owe him because that was a long time coming.

BILL BURR:   I mean, golly. Oh, what is that?  [machine beeping] What was that? We over our time? [groaning noises] Are you going to cardiac arrest? I remember still how to do it. Fortunately, they got rid of the mouth to mouth. They say it doesn't work. It makes sense. It's just carbon dioxide.

RON BENNINGTON: Let's just try it for a second.

BILL BURR:   No, No, No.

RON BENNINGTON: Nobody else is here.

BILL BURR:   I can’t. I got to break your sternum. That's what it is.

RON BENNINGTON: No, this is one of the bags that's empty. This, by the way, all the younger comics panic when they came in and they heard this sound. They all thought that's it. The younger comics and Norton, he also panicked.

BILL BURR:   My parents were in the medical field, so I've heard these my whole life. So this is like a car alarm to me. I'm like -

RON BENNINGTON: Is that right?

BILL BURR:   It doesn't mean anything. And then I look over you.

RON BENNINGTON: Yeah, that'll be it.

BILL BURR:   You're completely out.

RON BENNINGTON: It actually would be comforting.

BILL BURR:   Come on in.

RON BENNINGTON: Come on in, darling.

:::Due to treatment, we'll be right back.

RON BENNINGTON: Who was your band when you were younger?

BILL BURR:   Oh, AC/DC. Yeah. Aerosmith, but AC/DC, then it was Aerosmith, and then I got into Zeppelin. All the ones, right? But what's funny now is I've gone back and I've reexamined the 80s and what I listened to, and I've gone back and since then playing drums and stuff and really appreciated a lot of the other stuff that was just considered gay.

RON BENNINGTON: Okay. [laughing]

 BILL BURR:   All other music was considered gay, and I was listening to guys who were literally dressed as women. It was so funny. We were like, "I'm not listening to the Thompson Twins. That shit is gay." And then it's like Motley Crue comes out Theater of Pain. They're wearing pink lipstick. These guys are men. It was such a confusing time.

RON BENNINGTON: No women in their audience whatsoever.

BILL BURR:   Yeah. You would think that people would be a little more accepting of my generation. It was a people transitioning, considering what the bands looked like when I was growing up.

RON BENNINGTON: And it's really pretty far in rock and roll where there's fairly cross-dressing from Little Richard on.

BILL BURR:   Oh yeah. Oh yeah. I got a Little Richard story. I was on a flight with him one time and it was an early flight and he was sitting there waiting to go on full makeup, the mascara, all that stuff. So he had an aisle seat sitting first class and this is back before business class, so it was just coach. I was front row of coach and his manager was the window and then he was the aisle and he had his hands like this and he had his eyes closed with his glasses on. So I sit down and I'm just looking. I see his hair all teased up and shit. And all of a sudden, I swear to God, the white guy from every Def Jam bit comes walking in, swinging his briefcase and fucking hit his hand. It was on the arm, hit his hand and he literally just went, "Oh Lord," and collapsed into his manager's arms and the dude had no idea who he was. He's like, "Oh, sorry about that, buddy.” And just keeps going." I said to the lady next to him, I go, "He has no idea who that is." And she just goes, "No idea." Never forget.

RON BENNINGTON: Oh Lord.

BILL BURR:   Oh Lord. Even that, even him getting hit in the hand was wildly entertaining.

RON BENNINGTON: Yeah. Fez used to have that if anybody walked near his feet, he would always let out a grandmother fucking cry. Oooh.  You're like, "Come on, man. It's just your feet." Oooh. I don't know what you... Do you have spiritual beliefs? Do you think anything happens after death?

BILL BURR:   Yes.

RON BENNINGTON: You do?

 BILL BURR:   You find out what happens. And everything else is just listening to sports gamblers going like, "I think the Bills are going to cover." I read this right as I was coming back to religion. I've had some breakthroughs emotionally and shit. So I'm like, "Maybe I can stop being this walled off idiot." And I just happened to read this book, what the hell is it? A Brief History of the World. And it was talking about how long living things have been on this planet and to dumb it down for someone like me, they put it on a 24 hour clock and said, "All right, if you put the world, the Earth on a 24 hour clock as far as how long living things have been on the planet," he said, "Human beings got here at 11:51 PM." So all of that stuff of he made it for us… in his images Like, "No, dude, he made this shit." It's like a Trump hotel. It's like he's not in there. [Laughing] He's getting paid to have his name on the hotel, but he's not picking out the curtains.

RON BENNINGTON: He's not even checking out the occupancy. He's not worried.

BILL BURR:   Yeah. It's just like when celebrity as a brand starts to happen.

RON BENNINGTON: But yeah, I thought the same way. I though, well, this is the way it happens, so whatever happens, it happens. But I don't have any kind of concerns about it because when I got here on Earth, I didn't know shit. I didn't know anybody. Some people stepped in and helped me. If there is a thing like that .

BILL BURR:   It’s Nothing bad.

RON BENNINGTON: Yeah. It can't be. Right?

BILL BURR:    I don't feel like you get punished. I mean, unless you did a bunch of you're out there killing people or whatever. Yeah, I get that. But flipping people off in traffic, you went to a couple of titty bars. I think you’re all right.

RON BENNINGTON: Yeah. You jerked off when you were 14. I mean, can you imagine the balls of Catholic kids when you know that stuff will get you burnt forever and we did it anyway?

BILL BURR:  Oh, that's the courage. Yeah,the courage. No one ever talks about the courage. Of growing up with all those handsy priests.

RON BENNINGTON: Missing a Sunday mass, you were burned for it. And everyone was like, "Yeah, but I'm tired."

BILL BURR:  Oh yeah. No. If you took communion and you would go to confession on and try to not sin -

RON BENNINGTON: And for 24 hours. Impossible.

BILL BURR:  Not have one fucking thought about some teacher you wanted to bang. And then it was like, "Oh fuck, I can't take the communion." It's like, "What are we doing?"

RON BENNINGTON: Yeah. There was an amazing amount of courage that little Catholic kids have. It's stunning. The thing is, I remember when I used to take my medal off before I jerked off, I though, "I can't leave this medal on. Maybe fucking catch some cum coming up," because I was fucking shooting in those days. Well, maybe this will make it a little easier.

BILL BURR:  You were Pedro in 1999. Still had your stuff.

RON BENNINGTON: Still had the heater. That's what they just said, brought the heat.

BILL BURR:  But what people, you had the same throwing motion when you went down.

RON BENNINGTON: Yes, the same exact throwing motion. Yeah.

BILL BURR:  It was going to be a split finger Or a fucking...

RON BENNINGTON: A split finger.

BILL BURR:  Or Knuckle ball. A Knuckle. You had no idea.

RON BENNINGTON: A knuckle. You would have no idea where that was going.

BILL BURR:  It was all the same jerk motion.

RON BENNINGTON: Yeah.

BILL BURR:  That's what made you so deadly.

RON BENNINGTON: Yes.

BILL BURR:   One of the greats.

RON BENNINGTON: One of the all-time greats. I mean, I didn't have the consistency.

BILL BURR:   I think it's time, as the young kids say, I think it's time to normalize rubbing one out. And if they open the hall, right? If you can have a music hall of fame, which I still think is the stupidest thing ever.

RON BENNINGTON: It is dumb.

BILL BURR:   Yeah. Why not right next door?

RON BENNINGTON: Yeah. Put them all like a mall, like just a hall of fame of mall things.

BILL BURR:   And then people get to argue. The top five. Top five. I think you're in the conversation.

RON BENNINGTON:  Isn't it weird no matter how far - Pre-steroids. Yeah. Pre-steroids. You know what? I just wanted to stay in the game a little longer. I don't know why anybody would have a problem with it.

BILL BURR:   Andy Petit.

RON BENNINGTON:  Yes. It's because I love the game so much. I love the game.

BILL BURR:   That's what it was. Jesus, you fucking chugged that bag.

RON BENNINGTON:  Yeah, I had to. I always try to get rid of the first couple bags and then take it easy on the third.

BILL BURR:   That's what you do. You got to drive later. You get a good buzz going.

RON BENNINGTON:  There's another thing when people say why I didn't take the cancer personal, is how many things I should have died that I did. And the amount of DUIs of not even being caught is ridiculous.

BILL BURR:   Oh yeah. Now, do you feel like getting caught? If you get caught, does that take you out of the hall, drinking and driving Hall of Fame?

RON BENNINGTON:  It's interesting, but I used to think that people that got pulled over were pussies. You know what I mean? Just keep it together, dude.

BILL BURR:   Yeah, pull it together. What you did was you went brooding so they wouldn't know you were drunk.

RON BENNINGTON:  Right.

BILL BURR:   You try to go into your James Dean.

RON BENNINGTON:  Yeah, just brooding.

BILL BURR:   I'm not drunk. I'm an outsider.

RON BENNINGTON:  I'm dealing with a lot of stuff right now. Yeah.

BILL BURR:   Yeah. I mean, they said that on average, if you get arrested for drinking and driving... Ma'am, could you do something about this? I mean, it's just...

TREATMENT BREAK

RON BENNINGTON:  This is a special moment. You're here for me getting the chemo ball. So this is the portable chemo I leave with, and it treats me for the next two days.

BILL BURR:   It's a ball?

RON BENNINGTON:  It's a ball. It looks like a hand grenade filled with chemo.

BILL BURR: Is this like Suzanne Summers' thigh master? Kind of open and close your legs and the Chemo goes right into the taint.

RON BENNINGTON:  Oddly, it was her that came up with it many, many years ago when she was doing all the Ronco stuff. So yeah, this is why this is one of the better times to have cancer, they say, because you get to have a chemo ball.

BILL BURR: Well, you want to make sure you're buying at the right time. It's like a real estate market, like when you get the cancer.

RON BENNINGTON:  Sure. I've talked to the original Make-A-Wish kids. They went through a brutal time back in the 90s. Oh, they did? Terrible. Yeah. And they have a podcast where they all get together, these kids from this guy named Kyle out of Chicago, and he brings back everybody that he was in cancer camp with and they compare notes with each other. Brutal.

BILL BURR: Oh, what were his wishes back then? Bleacher seats for an Orioles game?

RON BENNINGTON:  They said they all feel real ripped off. One kid went to Hooters with his dad.

BILL BURR: Oh, geez. I feel like a stepdad could have came in better than that one.

RON BENNINGTON:  Yeah.

BILL BURR: Like Hooters? Who are we going there for? You are the adult.

RON BENNINGTON:  Yeah. Actually, when I was doing radio in Florida, when I had a Shock Jock show, they brought in a kid, a Make-A-Wish kid with his dad who was some rocker from Lakeland. "Great to see you guys. Any strippers coming in?" We're like, "So this isn't for the kid at all? Oh, he loves you dudes.

 BILL BURR: My kid's dying.,,,I'll be at the Tropicana November 2nd." He starts promoting his gigs. What was your feelings about restaurants/human trafficking? Remember back in the day when I would go to a titty bar and the lady would be like, "Do you want some wings?" It's like, "I would, but not here."

RON BENNINGTON:  Not here. Not now. They would always have a buffet in Florida. There'd be meatballs set up.

BILL BURR: I know. It's like, "I'm either going out to eat or keep these two things separated."

RON BENNINGTON:  You got to keep them separated.

BILL BURR: You got to keep them separated. Who was that? That was - San Diego, Band.

RON BENNINGTON:  Offspring.

BILL BURR: Off Spring. Yeah. They've changed their name now to no spring.

RON BENNINGTON:  No spring at all. No spring

BILL BURR: Or fall. When we were young, they had four seasons. Isn't that amazing? That's what I tell younger people.

RON BENNINGTON:  Is that right?

BILL BURR: Yeah. It didn't just go from hot to absolutely freezing. It was that when Harry Met Sally weather, right?

RON BENNINGTON:  Beautiful time. Yeah. Beautiful.

BILL BURR: And then the spring was more Sleepless In Seattle, would you say? Now it just goes from Hellraiser to The Thing.

RON BENNINGTON:  That is hilarious though. But yeah, we saw it coming. No one would've did anything.

BILL BURR: You need me to do anything?

RON BENNINGTON:  You want to get in on it a little bit?

BILL BURR: I always wanted to unhook you from chemo. It's always been a dream of mine. God damn it.

RON BENNINGTON:  Well, you couldn't have been there for Patrice, so you're here for me. That's what the deal is.

BILL BURR: I know. I know.I was not. He wouldn't let anybody come see him.

RON BENNINGTON:  That's true, right?

BILL BURR: Yeah. That's the - Stupidest. I don't know why. And then I think... I don't want to name names, but two people just finally said, "Fuck it," and they went there. I mean, I was in LA at the time and I was trying... Who the hell did I call? I was like, "Why don't we just go over there and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I don't know." And that was when we thought he was going to... We knew he was going to have lifelong issues probably, but you didn't know that this was it. But he never regained consciousness. But I remember Norton said he went over and... I mean, I wouldn't have been able to talk to him. I don't know. It's all awful.  Do you think that that was one of the key reasons why you made it? Chest hair was a big thing.

RON BENNINGTON:  Can I tell you something? Those kids were like, they first called me up, the original Make-A-Wish kids, and they were like, "What kind of fucking chemo light are you getting that you can sit up and talk and laugh with your friends and you have chest hair?"

BILL BURR: And I'm like, "How are you getting Chemo and your hairier than Robin Williams?" I did improv with him one time.

RON BENNINGTON:  With Robin Williams?

BILL BURR: Yeah. It was Jeff Garland's show at UCB, and he had this improv game, combo platter. He had three chairs, person would start a story, and then someone would stand up, and then you had to continue the story and blah, blah, blah. That was the game. So I was sitting this far away, right next to the chair right next to Robin Williams, and he was like this, and his arm hair was still touching me. I remember thinking, "That is iconic arm hair," because I remember every year on the... What was the thing him, Billy and Whoopi used to do? Not Live Aid.

RON BENNINGTON:  No, but it was for comedy. Comedy really.

BILL BURR: Comic Relief. Every year, he would do some sort of joke about how hairy he was.

RON BENNINGTON:  But that had to be insane to be on stage with him because he's going to do whatever he wants.

BILL BURR: No, he was totally cool. I think the one and only... No, him and Billy Crystal came in one time to the Comedy Cellar, and they were totally cool. And I could have talked to them, but I just couldn't get my head around. Yeah, because I remember Billy was like, "Hey, how you doing?" I was like,"Hi."

RON BENNINGTON:   I love that dude too, man. He's like, to me, the bridge from what was comedy before then what comedy became.

BILL BURR: Yeah, and has had an amazing, amazing career. And still, one of my favorite shows that... I always get into these shows and then they get canceled, and he had this show with Josh Gadd.

RON BENNINGTON:  I remember that, yeah.

BILL BURR: It was So fucking great. And it was like Billy Crystal was the older comedian. Josh Gad was trying to make his name, and wherever both their careers were, they needed each other but didn't want to be in each other's lives. And my favorite thing, so many things, but at one point when they first meet each other, they have a lunch. "Oh, big fanny. I like what you're doing and it's all real surface and blah, blah, blah. And then it cuts to them both on speaker in their car, like motherfucking the other person. Talk To this Fucking kid. This is really what my career is." And Josh was like, "Oh my God, this guy's so old." They had writer's room jokes. Maybe it was like too inside, but the writing on it was great. And of course, Billy and Josh were amazing. Then many other canceled series that I'm going to bring up.

RON BENNINGTON:   You're very good with the canceled series. Oh yeah.

BILL BURR: The Brotherhood? Did you see that One?

RON BENNINGTON:   That was the Boston one, right?

BILL BURR: Well, they moved it down to Rhode Island.

RON BENNINGTON:     Oh, is that right?

BILL BURR: Nurses, if you could just keep it down here because we're trying to do a very important call. I know you're trying to cure this man of cancer, but I'm talking about canceled Showtime series here. If you could just... There's a time and a place.

RON BENNINGTON:     Important stuff.

BILL BURR: We're in a hospital. There's a time and a place. So The Brotherhood, that was, you still got to say it allegedly, when you bring up the Bulgers, it was about the Bulger brother. So they moved it down to Providence so they wouldn't have a problem.

25:00 ANNOUNCER: Due to treatment, we'll be right back.

RON BENNINGTON:   We were talking about Pete Rose remembering everything. I did a thing with Billy Crystal, an hour with him like I've done with you before without a mess. And I told him that I had went to see him when I was a kid at this place in Philly, this little place, and he was like, "Oh yeah, I remember that." He goes, "Was I doing the squirrel bit then?" And it was like, "Yeah, dude."

BILL BURR: He remembers like that?

RON BENNINGTON:  Yeah. Yeah. You were doing the squirrel bit.

BILL BURR: That's amazing. I can't remember. Sometimes people come up and they'll be like, "You remember he did this? I don't remember." And then they'll do the bit and all of a sudden it's like, "Oh my God, I haven't thought of that."

RON BENNINGTON:  Right.

BILL BURR: Makes me nervous. Makes me nervous that he can remember and he's older than me and I can't.

RON BENNINGTON:  Well, dementia is one of the big fears, right?

BILL BURR: Right.

RON BENNINGTON:  That you go in that direction.

BILL BURR: No, but I've been talking to people who aren't doctors on Instagram and they seem to have a bunch of remedies for how to avoid it. It Has to do with catching a tennis ball under and over your arm. Evidently you're good.

BILL BURR and RON BENNINGTON: [singing] Yeah, no business. Like Show Business Like No Business I know. Everything about it is appealing. Something something laaaaa.

BILL BURR: So get out there and get molested in a hot tub and show business. That was the second verse. They were always afraid. They were afraid. They were afraid to sing it back then.

RON BENNINGTON: Well, they didn't want... Back then they would keep things quiet. They did. You know what I mean? They were almost Amish.

BILL BURR: Yeah.

RON BENNINGTON: They were almost like Amish birds.

BILL BURR: Yeah. They were like you sang the first verse.

RON BENNINGTON: Yeah.

BILL BURR: The truth was in the second verse.

RON BENNINGTON: The truth was the thing that was going to come in and let you know how this thing was going to work out. Is there a couch in comedy that's the same way that you –

BILL BURR: Or a casting couch?

RON BENNINGTON: Yeah, a casting couch. You bang your way into a better position in life.

 BILL BURR: Oh, no. It wasn't a sex thing. It was more like clean up the bathroom, set up the chairs. It was like free labor. Drive this headliner here.

RON BENNINGTON: Right.

BILL BURR: That was always a great thing. You'd drive some headliner that did too much blow in the '80s and lost his shot. You drive some bitter fucking pirate looking guy out to some godforsaken bar.

RON BENNINGTON: Yeah. Frankie Bastille had to take him to see his dealer.

BILL BURR: It would take him to a halfway ride home and then finally warm up.

RON BENNINGTON: Yeah.

BILL BURR: So how long you been doing it? They'd finally take it.

RON BENNINGTON: Yeah. This fucking business sucks.

BILL BURR: Dude, if I was you, I wouldn't even get in the business. They would talk you out. This show Wednesday night, four years ago, be line around the block. If I could do it over again, that's what they used to do. And you'd have your fucking head in your hands by the end of the gig.

RON BENNINGTON:  They used to have Brian Regan cook hamburgers in between his sets down in Fort Lauderdale. You'd take a guy who was going to change -

BILL BURR: I'm just picturing with his bent legs at the grill like he's doing bits.

RON BENNINGTON:  He's getting lower and lower.

BILL BURR: It's too many patties.

RON BENNINGTON:  Oh, that was pretty good. That was pretty good.

BILL BURR: No, I was a huge fan. Of course. Still am. I mean, but he was a big...

RON BENNINGTON:  Yeah.

BILL BURR:  He was one of the first guys I saw came to Boston and he used to put all this heat on in front of you, all the local headliners. They were very territorial and they put all these monsters in front of him with all the local references. Morrisey Boulevard and all of this shit. And dude, he went up there totally clean. Still remember he had this red shirt on and he was killing so hard. I remember seeing this woman, she slumped over from laughing into a boyfriend's lap. It was like one of those things you were watching it and almost after a while you stopped laughing. You were just going like, God, is it possible to get this funny? This doesn't even make sense how funny this guy is. And it was totally clean. Yeah, that was a big one for me to see. I saw Frankie Bastille too.

RON BENNINGTON:  Oh yeah. He was a character.

BILL BURR:  He was amazing. The first guy I saw just talking on stage and there was no real joke structure and he was still hilarious. I remember he did a whole bit on that if he didn't become a comedian, he'd drive a bread truck and he just painted this picture. I'd be driving that bread truck. Coming down the fucking street. He romanticized it. It was more the passion that he had for it. And I was dying laughing and it wasn't until afterwards it was like there was no setup and no punch.

RON BENNINGTON:  No nothing. Yeah, just him being himself.

BILL BURR:  Yeah. Talking passionately about an absurd dream. So that was the first time I saw it. He also knocked over three chairs on the way up. He looked like a bad actor pretending he was high, but he was really that fucked up.

RON BENNINGTON:  Yeah. He enjoyed being fucked up. He was good at it. He was real good at it. I met Reagan right after his... It was like his first thing leaving Lauderdale and coming up to Clearwater where we had a little place, a little club. And he was like, I don't know, 18 or 19.

BILL BURR:  That's a tough road, Florida.. Leaving Fort Lauderdale on the way to Clearwater.

RON BENNINGTON:  Yeah. Well, you're staying in spring training.

BILL BURR:  Next stop Tampa. Don't stop, buddy.

RON BENNINGTON:  Keep going piece by piece. But at 18, he had 15 minutes and 14 minutes. It was as good as anybody's was ever. And everyone was just staring at him. Everybody had been doing the same short amount of time because he was down there. I think Jeff Garlin was part of that scene with him.

BILL BURR:  I though he was a Chicago guy.

RON BENNINGTON:  He went from Fort Lauderdale to Chicago, the opposite of most Jews. Most Jews will start in Chicago, head to Fort Lauderdale.

BILL BURR:  I also feel like starting standup in Florida is like a dirty secret people try to hide. Because they had a bad reputation of filthy working blue, just hacks.

RON BENNINGTON:  Yes.

BILL BURR:  Sort of the hooters of standup comedy.

RON BENNINGTON:  I mean, like everything, it's Florida man. Every Florida man gets standup for a while.

BILL BURR:  No, but then guys like Regan came out of it like, "Wait a minute, wait a minute."

RON BENNINGTON:  Well, that's like you got to walk through some shit to find a little piece of gold. And the fact that he could survive in that environment.

BILL BURR:  Yeah, and still be that good. That's amazing.

RON BENNINGTON:  Now Boston probably has the best reputation, right? Where you started.

BILL BURR:  I think back then, back in the day they did. And it was those initial guys probably right through Patrice... Let's see, Gary Gulman came after that. I don't know. Everything has changed with social media, so it's just different. So I feel like now it's like one giant comedy scene as opposed to like, "Oh, he's a Philly comic, he's a Boston Comic." It's more like what social media platform are you on?

RON BENNINGTON:  But those Boston guys, they could make a living just staying in New England.

BILL BURR:   There was a ton of work. There was a ton of work until there wasn't. And that's when I started. I always got there right after everything ended. I remember when my first time I got into a big Hollywood movie where there was like, this is like a real budget, A-list movie stars, a couple lines in it or whatever. And oh man, you missed it. You missed it.

RON BENNINGTON:  Should have been here.

BILL BURR:   If this was like three years ago. They would've flown you in private and all that.

RON BENNINGTON:  All right. We got to get ready to wrap this up because I...

BILL BURR:   Isn't it a lifetime achievement award really just saying we probably should have said thanks for the first four decades, but we forgot. And now we think you're going to die soon. So here's this shiny thing.

RON BENNINGTON:  Here's this shiny thing that means really nothing. Nothing. You haven't achieved anything other than –

BILL BURR:   Here's something else you'll have to ack up when you move. Yeah.

RON BENNINGTON:  So there's the chemo ball that has to stay into my chest for the next couple days.

BILL BURR:   It's amazing. Can you spike that with anything? You put a little Jameson in there?

RON BENNINGTON:  I'm trying to get the Pope to come in and bless it. I think it would be kind of cool to make it like a Holy Water thing.

BILL BURR:   Oh, I get it. Then you plug yourself in.

RON BENNINGTON:  Yes.

BILL BURR:   That's pretty cool. You're like a fucking cyborg at this point.

RON BENNINGTON:  It is a $6 million man, but a little more expensive.

BILL BURR:   I do like that you've been in show business for so long that you just held your chemo like a microphone.

 RON BENNINGTON:  You know something folks? I got to wrap this up today too. Thank everybody who came by.

BILL BURR:   One for the road.

RON BENNINGTON:  Yeah. And I don't know whether you want to put me on the Patrice thing or have a separate night, but whatever you do, it's fine with me.

BILL BURR:   Whatever you want to do, man. Whatever you want to do. I'll have you on the Patrice thing. The guy who's going to meet him real soon coming to the stage. He set me up for that.

RON BENNINGTON:  Could you imagine that's who you meet first, Patrice in heaven, so everyone else is mad at you for being his friend?

BILL BURR:   If you met Patrice first, you knew you went to hell. My idea of heaven is not meeting him first.

RON BENNINGTON:  You don't think he could talk –

BILL BURR:   My Idea is let me get settled first before he makes fun of my wings.

RON BENNINGTON:  Just starts busting your balls this second.

BILL BURR:   Oh yeah, like how white heaven would be and he would just be talking about how he can't ee me with my fucking angel. I don't know what he would say. Anyway. All right, brother.

RON BENNINGTON:  Thank you so much, my man. Yeah, absolutely. I appreciate It.

BILL BURR:   Absolutely. And thanks for having me on and all of that shit. All right. I'm not wrapping this up. I believe in you. All right?

 RON BENNINGTON:  I love you kid. Thanks So much.

 BILL BURR:  I love you too, man. You're the best. All right. Thank you.

Again, pop pop.